Category Archives: Stock The Bar

Stock the Bar (It’s ALIVE!)

Lots of things have happen since I last posted. It’s been a tumultuous time, and I hope to get back to posting about different local and national organizations that do amazing work in the community and world.

As I’ve mentioned before, self-care is a hugely necessary part of any and all social justice work. For me, that means a bath, hot cup of tea, or some sort of boozy tipple. Sometimes, it even means writing about something that will bring joy to others’ taste buds. Like my new book (that was subtle)! It’s called The Classic & Craft Cocktail Recipe Book, and it’s available on Amazon and, of course, from me.

It also occasionally means being silly with my friends. You may recall that David Griner and I did a couple of fun posts matching stock photo characters with what I would serve them if they walked into my bar. Given that I’m pretty sure one of these did walk into my bar last Halloween, I feel like I have a bit more experience than usual with this set. Without further ado:

mermaidAttina, Ariel’s sister, will probably need something refreshing and relatively low proof, given that I’m pretty sure mermaids die if they dry out. Since she’s already obsessed with bubbles, I’d fix her an Aperol Spritz. It’s the perfect thing to make her feel like she’s part of this world.

secret-formula
Next Halloween, I plan to dress up as a mad mixologist: lab coat, goggles, beaker of craft cocktail or PBR and a what-the-hell-are-you-drinking attitude. But this dude will need a drink before then or his brain might turn to mush from all that math. At my bar, I’d serve a Rob Roy, sometimes called a Scotch Manhattan, with several extra napkins: he’ll either forget his drink and knock it over (my M.O.) or need them to scribble down a flash of brilliance.

alt-right
Is it too soon to make an Alt-Right Barbie joke? In any case, off-brand Lara Croft here would get a Whistlepig whiskey and Buffalo Rock ginger ale. You know, mixing something that has a great tag line and all-American branding but is actually made outside the U.S. with something made locally.

sexy-cleopatraTo start, I dig her outfit, and would tell her so. Based on the mod rags, I’d serve her a Harvey Wallbanger (basically a Screwdriver with a float of Galliano) with a giant fruit garnish and an Austin Powers dance. Cheers, bay-bee.

merlins-beard
A wizard walks into a bar…I’ve been waiting a while to use that joke. But someone as fancy as this guy deserves an absolutely magical cocktail. Like a Zombie variation with a flaming lime shell, served with a friendly “YER A WIZARD, LARRY!” to top it off. Even if it was a quiet Tuesday.

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Stock the Bar 2

There’s a stock photo for almost any blog post or topical website you can dream up. Outside of those, so many random images exist that it’s difficult to figure out exactly why a given website keeps them on hand. About a month ago, David Griner challenged me to choose the drinks I’d make for some of the weirdest stock photo characters he could dig up. Here’s the second installment.

Credit here.

Credit here.

Oh, my! I do believe her delicate sensibilities would surely require a Mint Julep to calm her nerves if it was summertime. Since chilly weather has set in, she’ll have to daintily remove her gloves to sip a Ward 8. The dratted Yankees do make such delicious cocktails.

Credit here.

Credit here.

I’ve probably been reading too much zombie lit, because her lab coat currently reminds me of mad scientists and CDC affiliates. However, her tight smile and suspicious orange flask can only mean one thing — conspiracy! To take her out of the game, I’d make her a few Corpse Reviver No. 2s. As the famous Henry Craddock said, one or two of these concoctions can revive the corpse, but “four or more taken in quick succession will unrevive the corpse again.”

Credit here.

Credit here.

Drinking at home may be the best way to save a few bucks, but at the bar, you have to stick to straight liquor to save money. This chap looks like a traditional bourbon guy, so he’ll have a one ounce pour of W. L. Weller Special Reserve.

Credit here.

Credit here.

If Ab Man comes in for a post-fight drink, I’ll serve him a Horse’s Neck. Hopefully the name won’t remind him of any bad experiences during his stint in Mother Russia. Since he’s probably going to go back out after cementing his whereabouts at the bar, he’ll probably want it in its original mocktail form — ginger ale with the peel of a whole lemon. Bourbon can take too much of the fight out of a hero.

Credit here.

Credit here.

No red-blooded ‘Merican wants the Commies to win, but the service industry is about serving customers. I’ll make him a Cuba Libre, but if he’s meeting up with his pals, I’ll phone back in time to the House Un-American Activities Committee.

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Introducing — Stock The Bar

Last week, David Griner challenged me to pick the drinks I’d mix for stock photo characters. After a few trial names were thrown about, Stock The Bar was born. Without further ado, here’s round one!

1. Brickman obviously needs a Blood & Sand. It’s sweet without being cloying and contains Scotch — the perfect combination to loosen him up. But watch out for sales pitches. The drink’s color may trigger residual brick salesmanship.

2. Silence in the library! This perturbed teacher probably loves quiet, Doctor Who and suspenders, so a Sidecar would be suitably geeky. It might be a little sweet for her taste, so I’d add a dash or two of bitters to dry it out.
3. Following the Golden Rule is paramount in life, so this yogi will drink as I drink. Does rye whiskey, lemon juice, Luxardo and green Chartreuse sound appealing? Maybe not on paper, but he’ll have the Final Word.
4. If Fae Barbie wants a double vodka soda with lime, that’s what she’ll get. Unless she’s an avowed whiskey drinker as well, there’s not much I can do to change her preference.
5. This child of the corn will take a Dirt ‘n’ Diesel. With blackstrap rum, Fernet, demerara, Cynar and lime juice, this earthy recipe needs rebalancing but should be dark, rich and challenging.

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